Speaking at Trinity Nazarene Church in Monterey Park

Last Sunday, it was my privilege to speak at Trinity Nazarene church in Monterey Park. This was the first time I was to deliver the main message of a worship service. A bit nervous I sat there during the worship songs, wishing I was better prepared. It’s not that I didn't try, there’s something about me and putting words on paper. I spent all of the last 3 weeks working on this talk and 1 to 2 weeks before that contemplating of what I wanted to say: outlining my ideas, taking all the experiences, emotions, revelations and experiences in trying to weave it into an understanding testimony of what I had experienced and learned on this journey.

I’m not good at this, and this preparation was revealing it in spades. Writing, rewriting and rewriting again, I took one approach then another, trying to best express my thoughts. If it wasn’t for Word for Windows, an old-fashioned typewriter attempt would have buried me under a mountain of balled– up, crumpled rejects.

It’s not that I didn’t know what to say. It was that there was so much in my mind. Snippets of experiences, observations, feelings, conclusions and questions; all the things that I’ve collected along my journey with ALS were bouncing around in my head like bingo balls in the spinning cage; each banging around vying to escape onto the paper.

The night before I was to speak, I looked at it once again. I know, I know this talk should have been finished and in the can a week ago. Believe me, I TRIED. It didn't happen. When I reviewed it this time, I hated it. Ideas I liked before, missed the point. I glossed over points that upon review should have been emphasized. I was angry: disappointed at letting down everyone who had put faith in me and missing a wonderful opportunity to witness for Christ. I asked God, “Why do you do this!? I work so hard to share what you have taught me and it comes out like crap!” I am a reject. I can’t do these things. I should never do this.

In my heart, though, I knew this was wrong. I knew sharing is what God wanted me to do.  I had to be faithful and just keep pressing on. There is a purpose, he’s teaching me. I just have to be faithful. I cut-and-pasted, made major revisions, crazy for a talk that I’m presenting in the morning. Much of it now resembles how I’ve shared in the past. Something I wanted to get away from. I wanted something more sophisticated, but maybe, just maybe, this is what He wanted.

On the morning of service, I reviewed parts but did not review the whole– no going back now. The message was to be 30 to 40 minutes long; I had NO IDEA how long my message will be. As we drive, I’m nervous. It’s not overwhelming, just a low simmer of nervousness gnawing at my gut. It’s not because I’m afraid of how I’ll look if I fail – I’m terminal, why would I care about that? It’s because of the missed opportunity and all the people I’ll let down. At the end, I said to God, “You know I worked as hard as I could on this and I did it all for You. Okay, now it’s on you.”

As we sat in service, singing worship songs, I knew it would be my turn soon. Simmering up was that nervousness again; I kept thinking I wish I had done more. But, my mind turned to Joshua 1:9 “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go”, I repeated the last part that God would be with me. It turned off the flame to the simmer. I felt good. These words were a reminder of my continual experience of His faithfulness – I knew He was there with me.

Now, was the time for my message. It started a little haltingly at first, but once I got up to speed the words and thoughts just flowed out. I felt like a ventriloquist’s dummy, sitting there, my mouth moved and the words came out. When we checked later, I spoke for 42 minutes, almost on the nose.  I hate to review my own talks. It’s not really for me to decide. But, people did come up, later; some with tears, to say what I had shared had touched them. Kathy did say it was good, as did others. I don’t know but I give God the credit on this one.

Reflecting back, perhaps it turned out this way so that God could let me know that the word spoken that day were His words, not mine. I’d like to think that this is why it happened this way. It sounds good.  But, the real reason is probably that I’m just disorganized, a crappy writer that needs a lot of work. There is an interesting side note to this: this blog/note – normally 3 day process for me to write – was done in one straight shot – a first.

God is good.